As I begin typing this post, it is half-past Christmas on my side of the world. Normally, I don't like to do personal posts because I like my blog to be purposeful which means not talking about myself. However, because it is Christmas and I haven't thought of a suitable Christmas gift for my readers, I thought I'd say a few words on my favourite Christmas carols and songs.

The First Noel


This is my all-time favourite Christmas carol and I sing it the year round, especially in my shower when I'm practising what I call my "choir" voice. There is something so utterly beautiful and reverent about this song and it makes me feel all nice and warm inside. (Side not: I'm not a Christian or a Catholic. I don't believe in religion) I cannot exactly explain why I love this carol so much.

Silent Night


After The First Noel, Silent Night is my other favourite Christmas carol. I still remember when I was seven and I was performing in a school play about Christmas. This was the first carol to ever resonate with me. And it's one of my "choir" voice songs. When I was younger, I never understood the lyrics and it was the melody that stuck with me. The lyrics meant nothing. And now that I'm older and I know the story of Christmas, the lyrics do carry more meaning but not for me.

We Three Kings of Orient Are


It's a bit odd that this is one of my favourite carols, no? But it is anyway. It's also one of the songs performed in the aforementioned play and it has stuck with me since. It's actually the first place I learnt of Christmas' story and for some reason, there is a very, very, very vibrant image of the three kings in my mind whenever I sing this song.

They aren't carols but here are two of my favourite Christmas songs.

Jingle Bell Rock (I've no idea if it's a carol or not but it seems to modern to be)


I never knew the existence of Jingle Bell Rock until I watched Mean Girls. And now, whenever I hear Jingle Bell Rock, I think of Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams in those tight outfits dancing and then, smacking their thighs. Not a pretty picture in my mind but yes, that's what it is.

Feliz Navidad


Feliz Navidad has the catchiest tune and rhythm to it and I just love it. It makes me shake my hips and shimmy my feet whenever I hear it come on. I don't understand a word he sings except for "I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas" and "from the bottom of my heart".

In a society that has put so much stock into physical appearance, I want to represent a generation of girls and women who have been told countless times that they are not good enough.

A lot of people will probably say, "You're just too lazy. Don't be lazy fat fuck. Get off your ass and exercise. You're so ugly and fat. You'll never get a boyfriend." (The last one I had someone close to me say it. In my head, I was thinking, if he doesn't love me for my personal qualities, then why would I want him? Plus, I don't need a boyfriend to be fulfilled in life." I even had a male friend say to me, "You should work out so you can be pretty for your boyfriend. [At this point of time, I had someone significant in my life] He will appreciate you more."

I was highly offended.

From family, from friends, from popular music, from movies. Literally, any avenue that you can think of, a woman's body and how it should appear is being dictated to her. No one seems to care about the kind of person she is, whether she is cruel to menial workers or whether she stops to feed the stray cats at the side of the road. No one cares if she takes care of her ailing mother every day like clockwork or if she is currently nursing a healthy beautiful baby. No one cares if she is a cancer survivor.

All anyone sees is what's on the outside. "Which designer are you wearing today? Show me your nails! I love your hair. You've lost so much weight. How did you do it? Did you have to lose weight to fit into those clothes?" These are just some of the paraphrased questions that actresses get asked on the red carpet by media representatives. No one asks, "Tell us about the character that you're playing in this movie. What are her trials and what are her flaws? What are her inhibitions? Is she afraid of anything? What important lessons do you think your character has learnt after going through everything?" No. These questions are reserved for men.

Fat people have become a circus freak show. Fat actresses are all funny women, taking advantage of their size to make jokes. Look at Rebel Wilson. She is an intelligent, intelligent woman who reviews her own contracts rather than hire an external representative. Yet, in her movies, she is always filmed as the comic fat girl. Her size is always the joke, not matter how progressive a joke it may be. Look at Pitch Perfect, for example. It can be categorised as satirical but is it really? Does it make you think about how fat women are treated and represented in society? No. All I see is a joke. A lousy, tenth grade joke, in fact.

Don't even get me started on the fashion illusion.

Models have to be size zeros and the recent Calvin Klein model, Myla Dalbesio, at a size ten is the biggest girl amongst all the other models at the recent photoshoot. In fact, social media is now calling her "plus sized". (Not CK as everyone is saying. CK didn't say anything about her being plus sized. Now, that is some what progressive) The average woman is at least a US size 12 or 14. (I'm not entirely sure about this fact) Models such as Kate Moss or Karlie Kloss and the likes have bodies that aren't achievable by the regular woman. Their genes gave them their bodies and they maintained it with healthy eating and exercise. It's their GENES. Not diets, not exercise. Genes gave them their height, genes gave them their small hips, GENES GAVE THEM THE THIGH GAP.

And yet, we are assaulted with these one-dimensional images of beauty on a daily basis. I wrote recently about Victoria's Secret's "Body" campaign and it echoes exactly my sentiments here. Why are all body shapes not accepted? Why is a size zero a norm? Why isn't diversity a priority? During sale periods in stores such as H&M Malaysia, a quick browse through the racks reveals that none of the larger sizes are left in stock. There are always the 0, 2, 4, 6, 8 and 10 sizes left. I can hardly find a size 12 and as far as I know, H&M Malaysia doesn't carry a size 14.

I have constantly been fat-shamed and told that I am not good enough by the people closest to me. When I was younger, I experienced my first taste of bullying because I was fat. (Perhaps there were other factors but fat was a constant taunt) People closest to me are constantly critical about their bodies. Hell, my mom is constantly obsessed with the media's image of beautiful. She cannot see that she is so extremely beautiful and I wonder if I will grow up to look like her. (In my eyes, my mother is extremely beautiful. She just cannot see that)

When I tell people I want to work in fashion, they look at me like I'm an alien. I have even been laughed at. I'm clearly not skinny enough. Why and how is Suzy Menkes loved and revered as one of the greatest fashion critics in her beautiful plus-sized figure yet when freshies like me want to enter the industry, I have to be skinny, have tiny hips and be 5"10?

To conclude, I choose to be fat because women and girls out there need to know that being fat doesn't mean you're not beautiful. I choose to be fat because I want to advocate that self-confidence and self-love is important at every size. I choose to be fat because fashion does not mean having to squeeze myself into a size zero. I choose to be fat because by being fat, I learnt how to fall in love with myself.